I still remember one of the lines in "Queer as Folks," there is this part where Michael, one of the lead stars became a clown because of work-related reasons and when a kid approached him, the kid ask, "can I have a balloon?" Michael, pissed as hell, just ignored the kid and when the kid cried, he just say that "Life is unfair kid! It will be best that you realize it at your age."

Michael is right. Life is really unfair...Probably its just too late for me to realize it. Asarness.

I know I am not an angel.

Sobrang nakakapikon.

Siyempre, alam ko ng eksena ang color green (with matching pink) hair ko. Pero ano bang magagawa nu, gusto kong maging character ng ragnarok, kaso nga lang naging sarimanok.

Ok lang naman na pagtripan nu ang hair ko, ginawa ko talaga ito para sa ikaliligaya ng buhay ko at ng mga kaibigan ko. Pero pag hindi tayo close, wag kang eepal at magfifiling filingan na close tayo, at wag mong pakikialaman ang buhok ko.

Ito kasi ang nangyari. Dahil sa matinding kaantukan at katoxican sa trabaho kanina, nag decide akong kumuha ng kape sa pantry. Dahil meron lang akong 3 minutes para kumuha ng kape at bumalik sa station ko, medyo nagmamadali ako. Paglabas ko ng pinto ng production floor biglang umepal si eminguard (lady guard), at biglang sinabi na Ano namang ginawa mo sa buhok mo? Para kang ibon! Para kang ibong adarna!" Nakakairita. Punyeta. Kilala ba kita??? Magpapalait ako sa mga kaibigan ko kasi alam ko mga kaibigan ko un, hahayaan ko na yurakan nila ang pagkatao ko kasi mga kaibigan ko un, pero ikaw, di nga kita kilala e. Anong karapatan mo na magbida jan, di ako nakikipagkaibigan sa iyo, kaya wag kang magisip na kaibigan mo ako. Taga tago ka lang ng cp ko.

My stupid Ex started texting me again, he is sending simple "hello!" and "Kamusta ka naman?" which really irritates me. So after 10 messages from him, I replied, "Hi! Im doing good. May I know who is this?" haha...

I dedicate this song to him:

WHITNEY HOUSTON lyrics

Im Getting Married Today!

If I'm gonna get married today, this are the songs that should play at my wedding:



God Bless the Broken Road by Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts



Thank You For Saving My Life by Tim




At The Beginning from the Movie Anastacia

Basta favorite ko si Aicelle, wala kayong magagawa!!!

On flirting

I am doing this blog in RCBC. hehe...

I am not a flirt. I don't do flirting. You will never see me flirting with someone, somewhere. So what happens when someone flirt with me? It will just be a total humiliation on my end and the results will just show me walking away.

Let me cite an example:

When I was in the PVP bus on my way home last thursday, feeling exausted and toxicated, there was this guy, who is rock star looking and wearing havaianas who stepped in the bus. It is my normal habit to check who enters the bus. So when I looked at him, he smiled at me. Feeling akward, I just looked outside the window and waited for the bus to move. While we are on Bautista, the rock star looking guy just said, "Ang lamig 'no. Tara, painit tayo." I just continued looking at the window and continued pretending that I never heard what he said. Then he whispered again, "It seems that you dont want to have a good time." I want to laugh out loud but I dont want to offend him, so I just continued looking at the window pretending not to heard what he said. When he left, he looked back, that is the time I smiled at him and I again looked back at the window.

Now I understand the reason why I am still single. This is because flirting is not in my dictionary. On my opinion, there is a proper way, a proper place, and a proper time to flirt. You dont flirt in public places for heaven's sake! I dont go for one night stand, or one early morning stand. I want something real. Something that I can feel. Something that will last for eternity. If there is such thing.

So to all people who wants to flirt with me, in akward places and instances, better think again. Because, even if your good looking, and your my type, I am thinking every single minute that your around me, and believe me, I will just have one single action in everything that you are doing and that is me walking away.

Asarness!!!! Bakit ba ung mga taong gusto mo, na pakiramdam mo gusto ka rin, MAY SYOTA!!! Asarness talaga!!!

- Lisa Loeb Lyrics

Your Birthdate: September 6

You tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on you. Thoughtful and caring, you often put others needs first. You aren't content to help those you know... you want to give to the world. An idealist, you strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be. Your strength: Your intuition Your weakness: You put yourself last Your power color: Rose Your power symbol: Cloud Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I dont know how will I start this one. But another blog post have to start, so with your permission, let me just start this saying, IT WAS A HELL OF A NIGHT.

Earlier this afternoon, Bhem told me that she will pay her debt. Excited, I immediately texted her for the details, basically, I dont want to remind her again taht she has a debt that she owes and I also dont want to miss this chance that she will pay. When she told me that I must go to her house at Malate, suddenly it just come into my mind to ask her out tonight. See how stupid I can get? I know that I have a sched, but I still ask her out. Stupid! The stupidity that I am feeling is unusually and excedingly peculiar and quite impossible to describe.

But since it's already here, and I am already on a taxi on my way to Malate, the stupidity continued. She told me while I was on the way that there is a spa near their area that will cost me P250.oo to have some sort of relaxation, I say yes because since my back is aching and I know that I badly needed it, and since its only P250, why not right? The moment I arrived at Bhem's house, we suddenly look for that spa and in the end, we found out that it is P550. Since my back is already aching and since this will be the first time that I will have a massage, P300 will not be bad. The massage is good. It relaxed me. I have no regrets about it.

When it is getting late. I dont know what goes into my head that made me ask Bhem to go out and drink beer at Gilligans. I am not a good drinker, I hardly drink, so after the poor service at Gilligans and being unadulteratedly pissed because Bhem's friend did not show up, in order for the night not to spoil, I just ask her to go to Library. I really did not regret going to the Library because it is a good place to be. I was laughing all night!

Basically, I paid our trip to the spa, what we have at Gilligans, to all the taxi rides, and what we have at the Library. Good thing that Bhem paid for our entrance (at the Library) because if she didnt, this blog can go longer because of the stupidity that I am feeling. But I am still stupid. Knowing that I am saving money, let me just tell you how much I spend for this night, it is greater that P2,000. Stupid right?

That is just not it, this will be embarassing to confess. Someone took me to their house. This happen while I was waiting for a taxi on my way home. While waiting, there is this cute guy wearing a black sando, whose name is Patrick, who approached me.

Patrick: Uwi ka na?
Me: Yes. Why?
Patrick: Sama ako.
Me (shocked): Nyay! Di pwede, may kasama ako sa house e.
Patrick: Di sama ka nalang sa 'min.

I was hesistant. Honestly, I was really hesistant. But since I am stupid, I said "yes." Basically, this is the first time I hooked up with someone that I met in the street. I dont really like meeting people on the street, I am scared. Knowing how contagious AIDS is, I am really careful. But since I am already on the taxi, and since he was asking already about things about me which I answered without a single honesty, the only thing I said to myself is "LJ, ang tanga tanga mo talaga! Nakakahiya ka!" But he is cute. And since I am giving him a fake name, a fake address, a fake job, a fake identity, and since I have protection on my wallet, as long as think about all the actions that I will do, I am safe. I just prayed silently while I was on the taxi. I still know that my God is bigger than anyone and he is protecting me at this moment.

What happens next? Basically, I dont want to go into details but this will be simple, we had sex. No other personal questions, no exchange of numbers, just good you know what.
I am stupid. I know that ever since. And I still dont know how stupid I can get. I spend close to P3, 000 for a span of 24 hrs. I know I enjoyed my night. But still, it costed me a lot. I feel that my conscience will bug me the moment that I dont have money anymore to go to work, I will remember how I enjoyed this night, and how stupid I become.

This night is not the same, it will never be. Because I know that this will just be a lesson learned that I will never forget. While writing this, I looked at my horoscope at friendster and this is what it said:

The Bottom Line:

You have every right to brag to friends today, but you shouldn't. Play it cool.

In Detail:

You have every right to brag to friends about your latest accomplishments, but you really shouldn't -- at least not today. There are too many friends whose fragile egos might cause them to react badly. It's not that they won't be happy for you -- they will -- it's just that your exuberance might remind them too much of their lack of good fortune. Be sensitive to this, and choose to share your pride with family members instead. They'll love to hear you pat yourself on the back!

My horoscope is correct. But I read it late. So I just have to remember that next time, I have to be sensitive. And that I must share my success to my family. That I must use my beautiful mind sometimes. Right now, the guilt that I am feeling never ease. The hate that I am feeling for myself just continues to intensified.

I will mark this date on my calendar, "08/11/2007 - The day I hated myself because I am a big guy who is unadulteratedly stupid and I am a big queer who never thinks."

another friendster bulletin

1.Latest na narealize mo?> mahirap magmahal ng taong di ka kayang mahalin

2. Dapat gawin pag nalulungkot?> mag ran. bukod sa aantukin ka pag tinamad ka na, which will take mga 8 hrs, makakalimutan mo ang oras, tatakbo lang siya habang ikaw, lvl up lang ng lvl up

3. Any quotes bout LOVE?> love. burado muna yan sa dictionary ko e.

4.Favorite food?> PAGKAIN SA CHILDREN'S PARTY! Spaghetti, fried chicken, ice cream, cake, lumpiang shanghai, basta pagkain sa bday party.

5. Favorite Place to Be?> beach...though i cant swim, beach pa rin

6. Whats the title of the song that'sstuck in your head right now?> so emotional by christina aguilera

7. Pangarap mong summer get-away trip?> wait lang, nose bleed un ah, anong summer get away, anong summer?

8. Isang bagay na hindinghindi mo tatanggihan?> isang condo unit sa columns, naku, tnx talaga...

9. Masayang libangan kapag umuulan?> maglaro ng pc, kumain, matulog, at makipag chorva, kokak!

10. Isang bagay na pag-iipunan mo nanghusto?> ipon? next question.

11. Gagawin mo sa susunod mongbirthday?> punta sa baguio.

12. Hindi mo makayanan o matagalan?> ang bitterness

13. Gusto mong panoorin sa sine?> di ako mahilig sa movie

14. Do you love cooking?> MAHILIG AKONG KUMAIN!

15.Paano ka ma-badtrip?> pag bad trip, tulog, tapos tulog ulit, hanggang maging ok.

16. Matagal ka ba maligo?> depende.

17. kumakain ka ba ng vegetables?> uu...

19.sino palagi mong kausap sa phone?> si adrian.

20. huling kausap n matino?> si cy...pag naguusap kami, try naming maging matino

21. Sino ang kasabay mong umuwi?> wala. i can go home alone.

22. Are you a busy person?> busy. hehe... i cant say, pakiramdam ko nga sobrang daming oras
ang nasasayang.

23. Do you hate someone right now?> absolutely yes!

24.What makes you happy?> happiness is morning and evening, day time and night time too. happiness is everything and everyone at all, that is love by you. I am happy whenever i feel that ive done something gud for someone. i am happy whenever i am satisfying myself. When I am eating my favorite food, when it is raining, and a lot of other things. Life makes me happy. Being alive makes me happy.

While on auto-in, while I was waiting for a call to came in, this song just came into my head.

More to Life

by Stacie Orrico

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived

I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside

Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing

And why can't I let it go

CHORUS:

There's gotta be more to life...

Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me

Cause the more that I'm...

Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life

Well it's life, but I'm sure...

There's gotta be more(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly

Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door

Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

CHORUS

I'M WANTING MORE

I'm always waiting on something other than this

Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....

Always...

Always...

CHORUS - repeat twice

More to life

There's gotta be more to life (more to life)

There's gotta be more to life (more)

More to my life

Is this a sign???

Due to unadulaterated boredom, when I was at work, my room mates played the Ouija Board.

There is this weird story that there is a girl, a white lady, that is living in our house. And because of unadulterated boredom and curiosity, my housemates decided to explore.

I have a third eye. Yes, probably this is shocker but its true. And for some, they say that it is a gift, but for me, knowing how coward I can be, if I can return it to whoever give it to me, I will be more than willing to give it. The gift started when I was still in high school. When I once visited my grandfather's tomb in Sariaya all alone, to my awe, I just saw weird looking folks roaming around the cemetery. At first, I never bother because probably they are just like the others who are visiting their love ones. But on my way home, while I was walking the cemetery's gate, I saw my grandfather, looking at me, smiling at me, winking at me. I suddenly felt the coldness of the surroundings, I started to paniced in a discreet way, I try to control my fear. Knowing it is my grandfather, I know he will not harm me, but when I saw other amm.. how will I call it, ghost. Looking at me, staring at me, that is a different thing, I know my grandfather too well, but the others, nevermind. Starting that day, I never visited cemeteries again.

After that I started feeling weird when I go to eerie places. From Hasmin, then at PUP, to the smoking area at West, to some sightings in the balcony of PS, sometimes even in buses, while walking in streets, there are everywhere, believe me, but they dont harm me, thankfully. Probably because they know how harmless I can get.

Yes, I also saw Beth, our silent house mate. I saw on my first visit here. Then when the stupid Joren saw her. I sometimes feel her when I am smoking at the balcony. I know that she is present.

Back to the Ouija that my house mate played. They just told me that they do talked to her. Well, good for them that they were never harm. Knowing how spirits operate and all, they just freak the hell out of me knowing that at some point they will just enter your dream and make it into a freaky nightmare. I tried to warned them, but knowing how stubborn boys can be, warning will never be enough.

I know how it feels to feel something that no one can feel. To see something that sometimes may find weird or crazy. To beleive in something that for some, never exist. And to tell you honestly, it is not fun. It sucks seeing shadows, hearing voices when you are alone somewhere, feeling paranoid. I dont like it. Good thing, they are not that active as before. Maybe they know that I will never give a damn whether they roam the earth or just stay peace and quiet. But I just hope that they stay peace and quiet. I hope that they rest in peace.

on loving my beautiful disaster

You make me feel, so emotional

It's either black or white,
that's right
We're makin love or in a fight
Sometimes you make me so blue

But then it feels so good,I
knew it would
You know the way to make me crazy
I want to give it to you

You make me feel so emotional
I can't let go
I'm so emotional
I'm sinking fast into an ocean full of you
I'm so emotional

You take me high and low, you know
I'm never sure which way you're gonna go
You're such a mystery to me

But baby hot or cold,
you got a hold
Of my imagination
I think you know what i mean

You make me feel so emotional
I can't let go
I'm so emotional
I'm sinking fast into an ocean full of you
I'm so emotional

Rain is falling down on me
Suddenly the sun comes out
Sometimes north or south of love
But never out.

You make me feel so emotional
I can't let go I'm so emotional
I'm sinking fast into an ocean full of you
I'm so emotional

on coming out

Ronald told me about the site and when i viewed it, its really nice. There are a lot of stories that you will relate to, pictures that will feast your eyes and a lot of opinions that will make you fee, "tama nga naman..."

It is a good site. And this makes me proud.

So if you want to be included, follow the instructions below:

Be a proud gay blogger! Want to be included in the Pinoy Gay Blogs listing? It’s easy! Here’s how:

1) Blog about Pinoy Gay Blogs on your blog, and invite more Pinoy gay bloggers to join the fun! Please ensure that the blog post has a link to this site, as well as to the list’s sponsor site manilagayguy.com.

2) Add http://pinoygayblogs.com and http://manilagayguy.com in your blogroll.

3) Leave a comment here so we can review your blog.

It’s that easy! Once your blog has been verified as a Pinoy Gay Blog, your blog will be listed in the Pinoy Gay Blog List. You and your blog can also be featured here in this site.

On being certified...

My headset is now on its box. My manual is now in my arms carrying it to my new station. I remove my name that signifies that I am still a trainee from the station that I have used for almost five weeks.

Five weeks. Three weeks of trying my best to pull down my AHT, which never works. Two weeks of brain and body torture. And a week of playing safe and relaxing. Finally, I can say that I already secured my career in VXI, finally I am certified.

Jerome and I are the first two people who got certified from our batch. Knowing how confident I am of myself, of course I see it coming. I know that I am good. I am smart, not intelligent. And I know that I have mastered this job so long that I have everything in me to best all my batchmates including my previous office mates from PS.

Finally, it's here. I can feel the 22 thousand pesos, plus commission, that will show on my payroll account. I can see myself buying a new phone, then an iPod, then a digital camera. I can see myself having my own pc, going to work on a cab, eating out at the finest restaurants, going to gym on fitness first, and visiting my friends in mindanao. Now that it's here, I can definitely say that I can change my life now. All I need to do is to be extra friendly and cheerful, and it will all be worth it. I have plans in life, and now that i have the means, its time for the plans to took its place.

But it still sucks. I know that I have everything i need but i have no one to share it with. Looking at the brighter side of things, I have everything for my own.

I will continue walking this thin line between hell and the deep blue sea. Not knowing what will happen next, whether i will drown because of tears of be broken by the wall that blocks my path. What is important is that I am surviving. I am here. I am sober. And I am, ehem, richer!

honestly speaking...

• i fly both ways when it comes to relationships
• i can't sing, dance, and act
• i'd rather be call smart than intelligent.
• i dont believe in expectations because they lead to frustrations which will then lead to depressions
• i am fat, though my friends tell me that i look ok with my new built
• i am good at thing when i focus, but when i suddenly lose my interest, i suck big time
• i feel that relationships dont work for me
• i am a good liar
• i can be your best friend, but i can also be your worst enemy
• i dont eat fish
• i'm bored