I dont know how will I start this one. But another blog post have to start, so with your permission, let me just start this saying, IT WAS A HELL OF A NIGHT.

Earlier this afternoon, Bhem told me that she will pay her debt. Excited, I immediately texted her for the details, basically, I dont want to remind her again taht she has a debt that she owes and I also dont want to miss this chance that she will pay. When she told me that I must go to her house at Malate, suddenly it just come into my mind to ask her out tonight. See how stupid I can get? I know that I have a sched, but I still ask her out. Stupid! The stupidity that I am feeling is unusually and excedingly peculiar and quite impossible to describe.

But since it's already here, and I am already on a taxi on my way to Malate, the stupidity continued. She told me while I was on the way that there is a spa near their area that will cost me P250.oo to have some sort of relaxation, I say yes because since my back is aching and I know that I badly needed it, and since its only P250, why not right? The moment I arrived at Bhem's house, we suddenly look for that spa and in the end, we found out that it is P550. Since my back is already aching and since this will be the first time that I will have a massage, P300 will not be bad. The massage is good. It relaxed me. I have no regrets about it.

When it is getting late. I dont know what goes into my head that made me ask Bhem to go out and drink beer at Gilligans. I am not a good drinker, I hardly drink, so after the poor service at Gilligans and being unadulteratedly pissed because Bhem's friend did not show up, in order for the night not to spoil, I just ask her to go to Library. I really did not regret going to the Library because it is a good place to be. I was laughing all night!

Basically, I paid our trip to the spa, what we have at Gilligans, to all the taxi rides, and what we have at the Library. Good thing that Bhem paid for our entrance (at the Library) because if she didnt, this blog can go longer because of the stupidity that I am feeling. But I am still stupid. Knowing that I am saving money, let me just tell you how much I spend for this night, it is greater that P2,000. Stupid right?

That is just not it, this will be embarassing to confess. Someone took me to their house. This happen while I was waiting for a taxi on my way home. While waiting, there is this cute guy wearing a black sando, whose name is Patrick, who approached me.

Patrick: Uwi ka na?
Me: Yes. Why?
Patrick: Sama ako.
Me (shocked): Nyay! Di pwede, may kasama ako sa house e.
Patrick: Di sama ka nalang sa 'min.

I was hesistant. Honestly, I was really hesistant. But since I am stupid, I said "yes." Basically, this is the first time I hooked up with someone that I met in the street. I dont really like meeting people on the street, I am scared. Knowing how contagious AIDS is, I am really careful. But since I am already on the taxi, and since he was asking already about things about me which I answered without a single honesty, the only thing I said to myself is "LJ, ang tanga tanga mo talaga! Nakakahiya ka!" But he is cute. And since I am giving him a fake name, a fake address, a fake job, a fake identity, and since I have protection on my wallet, as long as think about all the actions that I will do, I am safe. I just prayed silently while I was on the taxi. I still know that my God is bigger than anyone and he is protecting me at this moment.

What happens next? Basically, I dont want to go into details but this will be simple, we had sex. No other personal questions, no exchange of numbers, just good you know what.
I am stupid. I know that ever since. And I still dont know how stupid I can get. I spend close to P3, 000 for a span of 24 hrs. I know I enjoyed my night. But still, it costed me a lot. I feel that my conscience will bug me the moment that I dont have money anymore to go to work, I will remember how I enjoyed this night, and how stupid I become.

This night is not the same, it will never be. Because I know that this will just be a lesson learned that I will never forget. While writing this, I looked at my horoscope at friendster and this is what it said:

The Bottom Line:

You have every right to brag to friends today, but you shouldn't. Play it cool.

In Detail:

You have every right to brag to friends about your latest accomplishments, but you really shouldn't -- at least not today. There are too many friends whose fragile egos might cause them to react badly. It's not that they won't be happy for you -- they will -- it's just that your exuberance might remind them too much of their lack of good fortune. Be sensitive to this, and choose to share your pride with family members instead. They'll love to hear you pat yourself on the back!

My horoscope is correct. But I read it late. So I just have to remember that next time, I have to be sensitive. And that I must share my success to my family. That I must use my beautiful mind sometimes. Right now, the guilt that I am feeling never ease. The hate that I am feeling for myself just continues to intensified.

I will mark this date on my calendar, "08/11/2007 - The day I hated myself because I am a big guy who is unadulteratedly stupid and I am a big queer who never thinks."